Unconditional

Photo by Kyle Christensen Photography in Mojave Desert, CA.

I’ve been deliberating over my first official blog post for a few years now: what I’ve been bursting to share on self-love, acceptance, how I perceive other’s bodies and my own. Putting it into words on ‘paper’ has always left me apprehensive and overwhelmed to the point of procrastination. Yet, a recent trip to California inspired me to get my big butt in gear. So here we are!

I have found one word that has given me direction, incentive, and hope: Unconditional.

Unconditional Happiness

When I first started seeing the #effyourbeautystandards movement unfurl, I was in awe. Women like Tess Holliday and Ashley Graham were blowing up the media in all of their plus-sized dimply-skinned glory; on tv screens, magazine covers, and Instagram feeds everywhere. I thought they were stunning, and a lot of other people thought so too. I felt like someone led me to a tiny trickling creek. Although treacherous and narrow, I had never seen it before, and it opened to an ocean of acceptance and happiness. I saw that I had every right to feel beautiful and not be a size 6 or below, and even have appreciation for my body instead of constantly trying to “perfect” it. I could be enough the way I was in that moment. However, accepting or showing love for my body did not happen overnight. It’s definitely been a vulnerable and stretching experience. Had anyone asked me, even a year ago, if I would pose naked in the desert for a photo shoot AND then go on to publish them, I might have laughed- probably cringed. The idea of being nude in front of a photographer, let alone baring my body to the world… Yikes.

Women like Tess Holliday and Ashley Graham were blowing up media in all of their plus-sized dimply-skinned glory-on tv screens, magazine covers, and Instagram feeds everywhere. I thought they were stunning, and a lot of other people thought so too.

I used to tell myself life would be fuller, that I would be content, everyone would like and accept me, if only I were so many pounds less. I remember as far back as 1st grade when a friend asked the recess monitor for a piggy back ride. When it was my turn I became anxious, turned down my head, and told him I was too heavy to carry. Which was absolutely ridiculous because I was by no means too big for a piggy back ride. But there I was, at the age of 6, watching my friend have a great time, laughing, and smiling, while I sat pondering how I could weigh less so I didn’t have to feel like I was missing out.

If I could only be there to look you straight in the eye (maybe on tippy-toes because I’m quite short), take you by the shoulders and say “It is OKAY TO BE HAPPY at any shape/stage in your life. You should allow yourself to experience joy no matter what physical shape you are in.”

Looking back, my life became a pattern of settling for less and torturing myself on radical diets/diet pills because of how I perceived myself as too heavy or big. The reality was, I grew up very active and muscular but because I wasn’t “thin”, I saw it as different than most girls my age, and therefore never good enough. This resulted in going on my first diet at 12 and a decade long complex about eating in front of people. I remember declining pool parties, putting off trips, broken friendships, letting people treat me poorly (including a very lengthy list of sexual assaults and harassment), etc.; because of how I thought other people saw me, and my own poor self-image.

A reel still plays in my head of all the times I turned down opportunities, self-sabotaged, or subjected myself to degrading behavior because I didn’t meet the conventional standard of beauty. I used to become bitter, even angsty. But I have finally realized that this is also a waste of my precious time, because I have the rest of my life to enjoy! Whatever bad things I experienced, or even good things I missed out on cannot be changed.

What I am trying to say, for goodness sake, is to STOP WAITING TO BE HAPPY! Stop telling yourself that if your tummy was flatter, your butt was more round/flatter, your chest was bigger/smaller, if only you weighed 15 lbs less/more than you do, that your life would be complete somehow. It’s not wrong to ever want those things. If I could be there to look you straight in the eye (maybe on tippy-toes because I’m quite short), take you by the shoulders and say “It is OKAY TO BE HAPPY at any shape/stage in your life. You should allow yourself to experience joy no matter what physical shape you are in.”

Unconditional Grace

I recall being in the back of a suburban, losing my virginity at 17 to a cute looking (but awful) boy in my class because I thought that “this” was as good as I was going to get, being a fuller-figured girl in school. Looking up at the roof of the car wondering how I ended up “here”, because this was certainly not how I wanted it to be for my first time.

It took me until my adulthood to realize that I was compensating for how I saw myself caught between two extremes. On one end of the spectrum, I was curvy and busty, which drew a lot of inappropriate attention from guys/men. Yet, on the other end, I didn’t fit the mold for what society deemed as beautiful: which at the time looked like a thin, light-skinned, blonde girl.

I remember that boy telling me he had recently ‘separated’ from his girlfriend (he chose his words carefully) and then showing up to the party (after doing it in the back of his car), only to watch him walk up to this “ex” and give her a big hug and kiss. (Huh, not as “over” as I had thought.) This is the part where I called my best friend, so she could pick me up, and had my first cigarette. So, not only did I lose my virginity in the least romantic way possible, but I was the “other woman”, and felt shamed into keeping it a secret… which led to a slew of other self-destructive decisions. I was not ‘good enough’ to be a girlfriend, but ‘desirable enough’ to have sex with in the back of a suburban.

And this feeling of being someone’s secret, being ashamed of, embarrassed to be with, had stuck with me until I met my husband in 2011, and then was baptized, which was the first-step in realizing that I was created wonderfully: that I had an inherent worth that no one could take away from me. This is when I started to understand what Unconditional Grace really meant. To know that I am not the decisions I made, that I can move on from that shame and hurt. Not forget it, but to forgive it.

This has been the hardest lesson to learn (and to practice), since starting this journey, because it requires A LOT of humility and self-reflection. Unconditional Grace allows me to forgive myself for wrongs that I have committed towards other people and myself. Understanding that no one is perfect so that I can give them grace and forgive even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. We don’t have to be defined by choices we’ve made in the past. Waking up and knowing that today I may not appreciate my body, and that’s okay, because I’m in the process of undoing years of conditioning towards self-doubt and self-hate.

Unconditional Love

I was venting to a good friend of mine and she reminded me that Nicole in May (15 pounds heavier, sick, retaining water, etc.) is still Nicole, and she deserves to be celebrated and loved too. I was a bit humbled because this is what I am all about, loving, or at least accepting myself through every stage of my life.

Being baptized is a very personal experience and it can mean many different things to many different people. And by no means am I saying that being baptized is the only way to start fresh or to start loving yourself, everyone’s journey looks different. To me, it meant a new start, forgiving others and myself. The feeling that there is nothing I could do that can separate me from God. I will always be loved no matter my mistakes or whatever condition my body is in. Once I let myself feel that, it was easier to show that Unconditional Love to myself and others.

For example, my body tends to tack on 10-15 pounds over the winter that stays with me until June or July. These pictures from the shoot in the desert took place in May. Truthfully, I debated on the timing of this trip because of those 15 extra pounds, not to mention I had a cold and I was on my period. Great timing, right? I was venting to a good friend of mine and she reminded me that Nicole in May (15 pounds heavier, sick, retaining water, etc.) is still Nicole, and she deserves to be celebrated and loved too. I was a bit humbled because this is what I am all about, loving, or at least accepting myself through every stage of my life. But, someone had to remind me to ‘practice what I preach’ and embrace myself in that moment. I will forever be grateful for that pep talk, because this turned out to be one of my favorite shoots, and it gave me the gumption to write this blog.

I honestly can’t say that I love myself or my body every single day. Some days are a struggle. Progress, not perfection, as the saying goes. However, knowing that I have the right to be HAPPY in all phases of life and being able to give GRACE to myself and others allows space for that self-love to grow. I can say that much. Thank you to my husband, my sister, Brooke, Alanah, Christine Shields, V.G.C., @curves_are_love, and mom for the nudges and encouragement. To Pops & Grandma for watching our daughter so this trip could happen. Kyle Christensen for being an amazing photographer, and all of the support. And a special thanks to everyone who took the time to read this blog. So grateful for you all!

Credits:

Photographer: Kyle Christensen | @kylechristensenphotography

Hair Color/Cut: Alanah Nicole | @alanahnicolehair

Location: Mojave Desert, CA